Dear little blog, I have things to tell you today. Because I don't have anyone else to talk to and I feel like sharing might help.
Things are not very good around here. My partner and I both love each other very much (this I believe completely), but we both have so much sadness and are entirely failing at communicating. Last night he told me he has secret sadnesses he cannot talk to me about, and I am so scared of losing him. I just wish I could help, and that we could both be happy again.
I have various problems which have kept me from socialising normally and meeting people, thus I have no-one in real life I would be able to talk to. I am entirely overwhelmed by everything and don't know what I should be doing.
The suckiest thing from my (admittedly warped and dis-functional) point of view is that I have recently been actively trying to make the situation better. I really was trying. I have re-gained a lot of physical health this past year and was feeling a lot more confident as a result. It takes me so long to make any progress though I worry I have waited too long to start being a proper girlfriend.
I am slowly finishing up some dolly knits and waiting for Dan to come home. Really hoping things can finally get better and so scared that they won't. Want him to know how much I care, even if I don't show it properly.
Oh sweetie! Have a big hug from me and the only advice I can give is be totally honest with your man, I hope everything works out for you both x
ReplyDeleteI don't think I've commented here before, but I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm going through something somewhat similar (including the extra sadness of not having any real-life friends to confide in) and it's so hard and scary and sad not to know where you stand. I really appreciate your honesty and I'm thinking of you and hoping you find a way through to better things!
ReplyDeleteMy instinct is exactly the same as Ms Issabella's: to give you a big hug! My heart is with you! We all do the best we can in this life .... If you try to stay centred and true to yourself, it will be easier to navigate your way through this in a way that will ultimately be positive and healthy for you. xxxx
ReplyDeleteThank you all, it's nice to know I am not entirely alone. Today has been a very long day. Trying to keep busy. Making myself go out to take the bottles to the recycling bank now.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry. Maybe you should see a counselor and your partner too. If he has a deep sadness, he should talk with someone. Acceptance is very important to communicate. Important to remember is that you can only be responsible for your own happiness. Convey love to your partner and try to be happy. Do things that make you happy. Happy people are more fun to be around. Sometimes 'fake it until you make it' really does work. I will hope for the best for you both and am very sympathetic.
ReplyDeleteThat all makes a lot of sense. I have been trying not to take on responsibility for the emotions of others, but I do sometimes worry that the amount of time I spend on my hobbies makes it difficult for us to be together as a couple. He is just as busy with hobbies with me though, so he says it's not a problem. I think we need to make time for more activities we can do together.
DeleteEvening update. He came home while I was still out, so we met up in town and went for a hot chocolate together. He seem his normal happy self and says things will be fine. He is one who bottles up emotions and occasionally they burst out and it seems like the end of the world. But I think that's just how he copes, and it seem to work out for him mostly. I, on the other hand, am fairly good at expressing my emotions and cry ridiculously easily.
ReplyDeleteWe did agree that we need more spontaneous fun in our lives. I am somewhat autistic and don't cope well with change, so unfortunately he has learned to avoid rocking the boat at all costs. Sometimes a boat needs rocking though. He needs to worry less about possibly upsetting me and do more of what makes him happy. We actually went to the tattoo parlour tonight and got him his first tattoo, which seemed like the right thing to do. Moving onwards :)
We've both been through counselling before and it hasn't much helped. I was never brave enough to really talk about my real issues. Back then I was continually diagnosed and medicated for depression, which I don't believe I have. I am now wary of any medical help as I don't want to be bullied into going back onto medication.
Probably way to much information! Anyway, I am now determinedly trying to improve my main issue, which I might talk about more when I am a bit braver.
I think of my virtual friends as real friends, even though I haven't met most of them. It does help to talk to them. I hope everything is still going well at your house!
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